The Secret To Happiness
by
Tom Sheppard
(excerpted from the soon to be released book "Executive to Entrepreneur: Launching Your Life on Your Terms")
[check out the end of the article for more resources]
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE?
What is meaningful to you?
Most people have only vague notions of what is meaningful
to them. Because of this, they drift
along through life, experiencing seemingly random bouts of happiness amid an
ocean of experiences.
But, what is meaningful to me, and what will give me the most
sustainable happiness in this life, is not necessarily what is meaningful for
you. So, if you are drifting along,
sailing from bout to bout of happiness, how can you gain the direction you need
to experience sustained happiness?
Stephen R. Covey, in his book “First Things First”
describes the ideal exercise to help you begin to understand what is truly
important to you. He suggests that you
imagine your own funeral, many decades from now of course. As you look in on the proceedings from the
other side of the veil, take pen and paper in hand and write down the words of
those who speak at your funeral. What is
it that you want to hear being said about you by:
1. Your Family?
2. Your
CoWorkers/employees/bosses?
3. Your Spiritual Guides?
4. Your Neighbors?
These are the people who are describing the legacy you have
left behind. They are mapping out the
marks you have left behind on the lives of others. What is it that you really want them to be
able to say about you?
A good character is
the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember
you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on
marble.
It is said that there is a tombstone in Scotland, raised
over the grave of an old nobleman. The
inscription is said to read, “Good or Ill, He Always Gave Back Twice What He
Got.” That seems like a pretty clear legacy to me. Is it one you want?
STARTING WITH THE END IN MIND
The most essential part of
the road map to happiness is the destination.
"But," you ask, "if
it is a road map to happiness, isn't happiness the destination?"
I hope you'll forgive
a bit of mysticism, spirituality or religiosity (however you care to label it). I have found that the entire universe is actually
designed and calibrated to move us toward an increasingly happy life.
Consider it like a massive river current on which
we ride through our lives. It does not
matter if we believe or see the current and its direction. Our belief or disbelief will not lessen its
inexorable flow in the slightest.
The Laws of Happiness are no more than signs on the
side of the river telling us which way to point the prow of our life so that
the current will carry us swiftly onward.
When we ignore the Laws of Happiness and turn our
prow across, or against the current, we encounter resistance and possibly even
destruction as our life boat is propelled sideways or backwards down the river
and, out of control our lives are dashed against the rocks in the stream or
along the shore.
But, turning our prow to ride with the current, we
can use our oars to propel and to guide our life boat safely around, over and
through the patches of rough water that will afflict all travelers from time to
time.
When our life boat is pointed in the right
direction, and we use our oars correctly, we are carried forward toward ever
greater joys and happiness.
When we ignore the current or use our oars
improperly, our progress is slowed and we risk destruction of all we hold
dearest, not through the wrath of some vengeful god, but simply because we are
fighting the inexorable and eternal currents of the universe that are designed
to move us from lesser to greater joys and happiness.
Unfortunately, the answer is
an unequivocal NO! You can never find
happiness by making it your goal. Down
that road lies an succession of self-indulgent actions, progressively growing
in intensity and destructive effects as the thrill of the former experience no
longer satisfies. Until at last, if
unchecked, you are destroyed by your own selfish habits.
No, happiness is not
achievable through direct pursuit. It is
like the elusive white stag of myth that the hero pursues relentlessly to his
ultimate sorrow or doom. Happiness, rather, it is a by-product of doing the
right things. It comes from living life the right way. If you follow the road signs, you can get to
where you want to be. But, if you ignore
them, or deliberately go against them, you will never be able to achieve
lasting happiness.
When you leave home on a
journey, be it for a vacation or a business trip, you first determine where you
want to go. Then, you plan a course of
actions to get you where you want to go.
Finally, you follow your plans and heed the signs along the way to help
you arrive at your destination safely and quickly.
So it is with a happy life.
Although the achievements I
find meaningful and which bring me happiness may be different than yours, there
are some universal principles which apply to the pursuit of happiness. These universal principles are the roads we
must follow to find lasting happiness.
There are many roads you can follow, but not all of them lead to where
you want to go. If happiness is what you
are seeking, keep reading. The roads
that lead there are going to be unfolded like a map for you to read and guide
yourself by. We will also look at a few
of the signs along the way that let you know you are headed the right
direction.
Goal
Setting
Do Goals Really Make Any Difference?
The evidence is clear.
Goals make all the difference in the world. Probably the most stunning evidence is the
study of Yale Business School Graduates conducted from 1953 to 1973.
The graduating class of 1953 from the business school of Yale
University participated in a twenty year study about goals.
At the time of their graduation in 1953:
·
87% had no goals.
·
10% had goals which were not written down.
·
3% had clearly defined, written goals.
Twenty years later, in 1973:
·
The 10% with goals had a net worth 300% higher than the 87%
without goals.
·
The 3% with clearly defined, written goals had a net worth 1000% higher
than the 87% without goals.
·
And the 3% with clearly defined, written goals had a net worth which was
greater than the entire net worth of the other 97% put together.
Even if your personal measure of
success is not your net worth, this study speaks
volumes about the multiplying effect goals have on your ability to achieve whatever you
define as success.
A more recent study conducted by
Dominican University over just a four week period showed that a group with
written goals had a 50% higher success rate than a group with goals that were
not written down. This study didn't
address the success of goals groups against those without goals, because there
was no universal measure to compare the success of those without goals against
those with goals in such a short period of time and when financial net worth
was excluded as a measure of success.
What Goals Should I Set?
There are essentially two kinds of
goals: "to have" goals and
"to be" goals.
"To have" goals always
require the attainment of something external and highly measurable. Whereas, "to be" goals often seem a
bit vague and fuzzy, because they are focused more on our inner life rather
than the outer trappings of our lives.
We are all familiar with "to
have" goals, however we often disguise them incorrectly as "to
be" goals.
For example, if I set as my goal
"to be wealthy," I might think this is a "to be" goal
simply because I used the words "to be." In reality, this is a "to have"
goal, because for me to be wealthy, typically requires that I have and external
item, wealth.
While "to have" goals are
highly measurable (and that is a desirable trait for goal attainment), if they
are not set inside a framework of "to be" goals, the results can be
catastrophic, even while we attain our goals.
It is critical to understand that how I attain my goals defines who I am
and what kind of person I am. If you
don’t believe this, consider the following example:
Three men set the same goal: to be
millionaires by the end of one year. Each has the same goal, but the path each
follows to attain the goal makes all the difference in what they become.
The first
man plots a series of daring robberies, thefts, and drug deals which allows him
to amass a fortune of a million dollars.
In the course of attaining his goal he destroys the lives of many
people. He attains his goal and spends the rest of his days worrying that the
police will arrest him or that a rival will murder him. He is a criminal, and like the coward who
dies a thousand deaths, he is but one unveiling away from the total destruction
of all he sought. And, if you believe in
the eternal life of the soul, then when he departs this life, he will have an accounting
to make for his actions which will likely be very unpleasant.
The second
man builds his fortune selling shoddy products, cheating his customers,
cheating his employees, cheating his associates, cheating his suppliers, and
cheating the government ~ without getting caught by anyone. He attains his goal and at the same time has
earned himself a good reputation in the community. But, when others heap praise
upon him, inside he cringes, hoping that the truth will never come out to
destroy his reputation. And when he departs this life, he too will have an
eternal accounting to make.
The third
man builds his fortune through hard work and honesty. He does not compromise his
standards of integrity and excellence.
He makes a quality product and sells it at a fair price. He treats others in the same way he would like
to be treated. He attains his goal and has earned himself a reputation as a man
to be trusted. When others heap praise
upon him, he knows that he has earned it and that there are no dark secrets
lurking in his past which may be uncovered to destroy him in an instant. And when he departs this life, he will be
able to stand before his Maker without apology for his actions.
At the end of one year, all are
millionaires. Each has attained his
goal. But, each is a very different person by the time they lay hold of their
goal. The end result is not the same at
all.
What kind of person do you want to
be? It is not your goals that will make the difference as much as how
you attain them that will make the difference. The fact is that Nicolo Machiavelli
was wrong when he advised that the end justifies the means.
The way
you get something is more important than what you are trying to
get. You cannot frame a square house using warped wood.
Stop Doing and Start Doing
One of my personal mentors,
Dr. Nido Qubein, taught me a very important, and often overlooked, aspect of setting
“to be” goals is that to become what we desire, we often have to stop doing
some things and start doing others.
For instance, if you want to be a person who is committed to
excellence then you may need to put “Stop cutting corners” at the top of your
“Stop Doing” list.
What You Want to Be
Tell me, if you have the courage, what you want to be? And do not say, "I want to be
rich," for "being rich" is about having material things, not
being.
I have wanted to be a good husband, a good father, a good
son, a good brother, a good provider for my family. I want to be a blessing to all who know me
and come in contact with me.
To "be" any or all of these things requires that
the things I "have" are things that are invisible and intangible. In other words, to "be" those
things requires that I become something other than what I was in the past. To be a blessing to all who know me, I must
become wise. I must become kind. I must become charitable. I must become
totally trustworthy. I must be
grateful. I must want for them what I
want for myself.
If I become wise, kind, charitable, trustworthy, grateful
and want for others what I want for myself, will I not also have material
abundance?
What traits would I lack that would prevent material wealth
from flowing to me?
Industry? If I am wise, will I not labor when I should
and rest when I should? If I am wise,
will I not plant or invest when and where is best and harvest at the right
time?
So, what do I lack to obtain these qualities of being that I
desire? Have I not named in my question
the very first thing, which if I lack it will prevent me from being all those
things - "desire?"
First, I must desire to become all of those things: wise,
kind, charitable, trustworthy, grateful and to wish for others what I wish for
myself. Desire then, or hope is the
first requirement in becoming. I must
desire or hope to be something I am not
yet.
Having then, the desire to be better than I am now, what
next prevents the attainment of my goals?
The answer is belief or faith. If
I want something, but have no belief or faith than I can attain that thing,
then I shall not attain it. And why not? There is no cosmic mystery here. If I have no faith in attainment, I take no
action toward attainment, believing (without faith) that all such actions would
be wasted, instead I devote my actions to serving only what I can see and what
is directly evidenced before me. I have
no ability to believe that I can attain what is unseen and so I do not
"waste" my energies on wishful thinking and "pipe dreams."
On the other hand, if I believe, if I have faith that I can,
through my actions bring myself closer to my unseen, but hoped-for state, then
I will take whatever actions I can, meager though they may be at first. Hoping and believing leads then to action.
And here the magic begins to happen.
For belief in something which is true is a cause both of
action and a principle of power. Firm
belief compels us to act and, amazingly, it actually shapes and manipulates the
world around us. For as we act according
to our beliefs, it attracts to us others of like mind. It also begins to open the ways before us so
that our actions are less and less restricted and more and more effective in
bringing us to our hoped-for state.
Faith is a principle not only of action, it is a principle of power.
This is the "law of attraction" so glibly mouthed
by so-called experts and sycophants.
They, believing shallowly, that all they have to do is ask clearly,
believing and the universe will deliver, either fail to act or fail to prepare
themselves to wisely use what they receive.
Just as I learn in the Bible that "faith without works is
dead," so to I must act on my faith so that the world around me can act
likewise in accordance with my desire and my faith.
And here, faith and wisdom must intersect. If I believe in lies, I am not wise. So, to be wise, I must have correct knowledge
and the understanding to use that knowledge effectively for constructive ends.
Faith or belief in anything based on incorrect knowledge is
wishful thinking, because it is cut off from the source of power. "Faith is belief in that which is unseen
and which is true.
"
So, to become wise and faithful I must know truth. Jesus said, "you shall know the truth
and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). Knowing the truth, my faith then will not be
in vain and I will act wisely - having correct knowledge and applying that
knowledge effectively for constructive ends.
Even the secular world has an understanding of what wisdom
really means:
"knowledge of what is
true or right coupled with just judgment as to action"
I can see from this that even the
world recognizes that wisdom is not in knowledge alone, but only when knowledge
of truth is coupled with correct action (action based on "just
judment." The "wise man"
on the hill who does nothing is worse than useless, he is a liar. For he, supposedly having wisdom fails to use
it to take just actions denies the gift, wastes the wealth, and deceives other
seekers of wisdom that inaction is the fruit of wisdom, so only indolent fools
will seek after this so-called "wisdom."
Abraham Lincoln and King Solomon
are both acknowledged as wise men. Both
were men of action and attainment.
Neither spent their days sitting on a mountain top stargazing and
pretending to knowledge that they either did not possess or were unwilling to
act on appropriately. Nor did they spend
their days navel-gazing, lost in introspection and an effort to understand
themselves before moving to action.
A pursuit of being wise does not mean
an abandonment or deferral of all action.
Quite the opposite. To become
wise means that there is a moment of contemplation, a period of study where I attain
knowledge ("be still and know that I am God." Psalms 46:10) and
having gained knowledge and a witness from God that it is correct knowledge, I
then must apply massive action to apply that knowledge correctly and
constructively to my world and in myself.
"What shall it profit a man
if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36). If I gain riches and have not gained wisdom,
then I have lost my soul. The important
part of this life is what I become, not what I hold in our hands. In a very real sense, what I become is my only
true possession.
If I become wise, I am
said to possess wisdom - and it is well said.
If I become charitable, I am said to possess charity.
Likewise kindness, gratitude, and trust. And these possessions are those " treasures
in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not
break through nor steal." (Matthew 6:20).
Consider, if I am wise, can any thief steal my wisdom?
If I am charitable and filled with that love
toward God and man, can that charity rust and fall apart?
If I am kind, will moths eat holes in my
kindness and the memories of how my kindness lifted and made better the lives
of those around me?
Are not then these
(wisdom, charity, kindness, trustworthiness, gratitude) truly treasures in
heaven - treasures that are eternal and enduring and which will follow me
beyond the grave into whatever lies on the other side of that darkened portal
as no material possession can? I say,
"Yes," these are treasures in heaven.
And, having lived a life filled
with acts of wisdom, charity, kindness, trustworthiness, gratitude I will be
able to run the memories of these acts and their consequences through my mind
like bright jewels through my fingers as many times as we thrust our hands into
the chest brimming full of shining memories.
And even if the cruel hand of ill-health robs me of our ability to
readily recall those memories, they are no less real and they live on in the
lives and memories of those whose lives I have touched constructively with my
wisdom and my wealth.
This is true wealth - and is
something far beyond having material riches. Regardless of my net worth, I am a wealthy man already, for I have many treasures like this. And my fondest hope is that by my wise use of
what God gives me, I will be able to help many others to live abundant lives
both spiritually and materially. I hope
this first for my wife, then for my children and family and then for the
brothers and sisters, children of my God, who walk around me and come within my
sphere of influence.
For my agnostic or atheistic friends I suggest the
phrase "the Universe" be used to replace the word "God." I offer
this phrase because it suggests the attributes of deity which are particularly
applicable to this discussion while providing the agnostic and atheist with a
tangible object on which to focus the mind.
Why is "the Universe" a workable
replacement for God in this context?
A.
It is inarguable that the Universe
exists and that it operates on certain invisible rules which continue to
operate regardless of our belief or disbelief. And although the rules of the
Universe are not always self-evident, their effects are consistent and often
very visible.
B.
For theists the existence of God is
inarguable. God operates according to
rules known in their entirety only to His mind and those rules apply regardless
of our belief or disbelief. Although the
rules of God are not always self-evident to our minds, their effects are consistent
and often very visible.
And
what about "the will" of the Universe that we need to be reconciled
with? See my previous comment on mysticism.
The will of the Universe is that awesome current which flows through our lives
which will either carry us from joy to joy or dash us against the rocks and
whirlpools of unhappiness.
I will attain this goal by:
1)
Desiring it and articulating it clearly. If my goal is inarticulate, then I do not
clearly know what I seek. Until I can
articulate it clearly it can never become reality. The beginning of wisdom is knowing exactly
what you want and why.
2)
Having faith that it is attainable and asserting
that faith through prayer, constant prayer, not on my knees all the day long,
but on my feet acting to bring it to pass while letting God know what I am
seeking.
3)
Learning from God if that is His will, and
knowing that I am acting in harmony with His will for mankind in general and
for me specifically I can have total confidence that He will guide me and He
will make sure that the seeds I plant are good seeds and likely to yield
abundant fruits.
4)
Taking massive action every day. Not expecting that God will give me that
which I am unqualified to manage, I will do all that I can to be the person I
need to be so that the material means and opportunities entrusted to me will be
used, and will not gather dust like the "wise man" on the mountain
doing nothing.
5)
Always staying focused on the end purpose and
not confusing the means and the ends.
The end is to be a blessing to all who know me. If my means are cursed or low, the end will not
follow. I cannot plant tares and expect to harvest wheat.
I want for others what I want for
myself.
Action Steps
1.
Take four sheets of paper, at the top of each,
respectively label them A) Family, B) Work, C) Spiritual and D) Community
2.
On each sheet of paper you labeled above, write
out what you would like to hear said about you from each of these perspectives.
3.
Take four more sheets of paper and label them as
you did in step 1 above.
4.
On each of these sheets, write out what you
believe would be said about you from each of these perspectives if you were to
die today.
5.
Compare and contrast the results from steps 1
and 2 with the results from steps 3 and 4.
Identify any gaps between the person you want to be and the person you
are.
6.
For each gap, determine what you must do in order
to become the person you want to be.
7.
Write out a list of assertions based on the
person you want to be. For instance if
you want to be remembered as a loving parent, you would write a positive
assertion, "I am a loving parent."
8.
Read your assertions out loud every single day
at the start of the day.
9.
As you make decisions during the day, consider
each and adjust them to be consistent with the person you assert you are in
your assertions.
10.
At the end of the day, reread your assertions
out loud. Consider if any of your
actions taken that day were inconsistent with the person you want to be. On your to-do list for tomorrow, note any
actions or decisions you must undo or revise to align them with the person you
want to be.
11.
Begin to create measurable, actionable
attainment goals ("to have") that can be achieved in the context of
your "to be" goals. We will do
more with these high level, measurable goals later.
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